iGet Sam a Boyfriend
by coffee-stained lips
Summary: Carly gets sick of Sam always following her on dates, so she sets up a game on iCarly to get Sam a boyfriend. But what happens when all three contestants continually vie for Sam’s attention even after she quits the show in the middle? Originally done Jan8
1. The Bad Date

Carly Shay was getting ready to leave for her big date when her friend, Sam Puckett, walked into their apartment.

"Uh, hey Sam." Carly said nervously when her friend plopped onto her sofa. For the past week Sam had always visited Carly the minute before she was about to leave for a date, then followed her on that date. Carly was hoping and praying Sam wouldn't do that this time, but she knew there couldn't be another reason why she was here.

"Wow, what are you all gussied up for?" Sam asked as she flicked on the TV. Carly clenched her teeth and answered, "Just a, uh, _date_."

"Where's the guy taking you to?" Sam asked while channel-surfing.

"Oh just the Groovy Smoothie." Carly said apprehensively.

"Ah sweet!" Sam exclaimed, turning her attention to Carly fully, "They've got a new bacon-flavored smoothie I've been _dying _to try!" She marched over to the door and looked outside. "When's pretty boy getting here? I want my bacon smoothie!" Carly sighed and sat on the sofa. She knew nothing would get Sam away from her now. While thinking over ways to get Sam to stay at the apartment, the doorbell rang. Immediately, Sam flung the door open.

"Hey, Car-" the boy began to say but Sam grabbed his arm and flung him out the door.

"What're you waiting for?" she yelled at Carly. Carly rolled her eyes and left.

At the Groovy Smoothie, Carly's date was not going as planned. She tried to strike up conversation but her date kept glancing wincingly at Sam, who was slurping her smoothie messily.

"Hey, listen to this joke I heard!" Sam said, "Knock knock."

"Who's there?" Carly asked lazily.

"Orange." Sam replied.

"Orange who?" Carly asked.

"_Orange _you glad I didn't say banana!" Sam said, and laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world. She took another loud slurp of her smoothie.

"Hey pretty boy, why don't you say something?" she asked, spraying spit all over the table. The boy looked very disgusted.

"Oops, sorry 'bout that!" she said, wiping the spit off the table and back into her cup, "Waste not, want not."

"Sorry, Carly," the boy said, standing up, "it's just not worth it." With that he ran out of the restaurant rather hastily.

"What got into him?" Sam asked, totally oblivious. Carly rested her head on her hand, feeling horribly embarrassed.

"Gotta go." Sam said, glancing at her watch, "My mom'll kill me if I'm not back by curfew. Later." Then she he left.

Carly let out an exasperated sigh. She _just _had to get Sam away from her while she was on dates! _At this rate I'll die old and alone. _she thought bitterly.

"Wanna buy a pickle?" asked the voice of the smoothie salesman Tibo, holding a stick with pickles stuck on it.

"No, I'm too depressed." Carly answered, slumping back in her chair.

"A pickle will cheer you up."

"No, Tibo."

"What you got against pickles?"

"Fine, I'll buy a pickle!" She dug into her purse and pulled out a wadded dollar bill. Happily, Tibo plucked a pickle off his stick and gave it to her.

"Wanna buy another pickle?"

"Go away, Tibo!"


	2. Carly Gets An Idea

**It's very short, but I really wanted to leave you guys on a cliffhanger. Mwahaha!**

"What am I going to do?" Carly asked her other friend Freddie at her apartment the next day, "How am I going to get Sam to leave me alone?"

"Well, you could try dating a guy Sam hates." Freddie proposed, arching an eyebrow. Sam had always hated Freddie, and Freddie had always had a crush on Carly.

"Not gonna happen." Carly answered.

"I know." Freddie said sorrowfully. They munched on their spaghetti tacos which Carly's 'strange' brother Spencer had cooked up.

"Why don't you get Sam a boyfriend?" Freddie asked. At this Carly's face lit up like Freddie had placed a lit match on a candlestick.

"Freddie! That's brilliant!" she cried, and hugged him, "We'll have it on iCarly! You'll be a contestant on it, right? Thanks so much!" She left the apartment, leaving a wide-eyed Freddie behind who was saying, "Wait, what? Carly! Carly, what?!"

The following day at school, Carly caught their pudgy friend Gibby and his friend Reuben. She ran up to them.

"Hey, guys!" she greeted them animatedly, "Wanna be on the next iCarly, Gibby?"

"Totally!" he answered, "What do I gotta do?"

"You'll be a contestant on a game show to compete to be Sam's boyfriend!" Carly explained excitedly.

"Uh, sure, okay." he said, a little less excited than he had been.

"Hey, don't I get a ticket to ride this weasel train?" Reuben asked. He always talked in odd terms, spouting nonsense from left to right. Carly stared at him, rather confused.

"He wants to compete too." Gibby translated.

"Oh. Oh yeah! Great!" Carly said, regaining her lively attitude, "Now we have enough! Thanks, bye!" She then ran off to class, very anxious for the next iCarly to come.


	3. Gametime

**Here it is: showtime!!!!!**

"Why are you doing this to me?" Freddie asked angrily to Carly as she set up for the game show.

"Look, I really need Sam off my back for awhile. Besides, she might not even pick you!" Carly said. Freddie just scowled and began setting up his camera equipment. A few minutes later Sam came into the studio.

"Okay, let's get shakin'!" she exclaimed, "Yo, Fredward, get the camera on." Freddie threw another grimace to Carly and he clicked on the camera.

"Hi, I'm Sarly!" Carly said into the camera.

"And I'm Cam!" Sam said, "And today on iCarly, you lucky viewers get to watch me eat cold chili!" She made a movement for the table where her chili rested but Carly stopped her.

"We're gonna do something different this time, Sam." she said, breaking into a wide grin.

"Oh, am I gonna eat _hot _chili?" Sam asked, laughing.

"Actually, we're going to play a little game. Just sit here, Sam." She pointed to a chair and Sam sat. Carly then tied a blue bandana around her eyes.

"What are you-" Sam started to ask, but Carly shushed her. She then clicked two manacles onto Sam's wrists, connecting her to the chair.

"Hey! What's going on?!" she yelled, wriggling around in her seat.

"Today, iCarly viewers, we're going to play a game called 'I Get A Boyfriend!'" Carly said, waving her arms dramatically, "We will present three eligible bachelors to Sam, and she'll randomly choose her new beau!"

"_What?!_" Sam screamed. She was moving around much harder now, in a hopeless effort to break free.

"Freddie, switch to the V-cam!" Carly said.

"Switching to V-cam." Freddie said, then rushed up to Carly and Sam.

"Now here are our contestants!" Carly said, and Gibby and Reuben came into view, "Now, we're going to change their voices so Sam won't recognize them." She handed Gibby, Reuben, and Freddie microphones.

"Hello there, Bachelor 1!" Carly said to Freddie.

"Hi." he responded sullenly, his voice much deeper than usual.

"Hi, Bachelor 2!"

"Yo there!" Gibby said, sounding like a chipmunk.

"How's it hangin', Bachelor 3?"

"What up hockey potatoes?" Reuben asked, also sounding like a chipmunk.

"Reuben?!" Sam screeched, struggling harder than ever now.

"Whoa! How'd she know it was you?" Gibby asked. Sam was shrieking and moving vigorously. She kicked her legs in the air, almost hitting Freddie in the nose. One of her legs swung up into the air and crashed through the camera lens.

"My camera!" Freddie cried. Carly sprinted over to the computer: they were off the air.

"Now look what you did!" she shouted at Sam.

"I can't, 'cause I have a bandana tied over my eyes!" she shouted back. Carly stepped over Freddie as he cradled the glass shards of his camera and untied Sam. She then clicked the handcuffs off her.

"Wow! That was some grapefruit bashing!" Reuben exclaimed, shaking his head in awe.

"True dat!" Gibby said, and he gave Reuben a fist pump.

"Why don't you ham sandwiches split the turkey?!" Sam yelled at them. They cowered and made a break for it.

"What'd you say?" Freddie asked.

"Who cares? They left, didn't they?!" she screeched at him, massaging her wrists, "Why'd you do this to me?"

"I just thought…you'd be happier with a boyfriend." Carly lied.

"Thanks, but I don't need one." Sam said, a little more kindly, "Especially one like the kind you picked." She shuddered and left the room.

"Well, that didn't work too well, did it?" Carly said, "Guess I'm stuck with Sam on dates again." Freddie looked up at her.

"Oh yeah. I feel so sorry for you." he said tetchily, picking up the remains of his damaged camera. The door to the studio swung open and Sam came in.

"Sam! You want to do the show after all?" Carly asked hopefully.

"No." Sam said. She walked over to the table and picked up the bowl of chili.

"I came to get my chili." She dug a spoon into the bowl and lifted it up to her mouth.


	4. The Boys Are Back

The next day at school Sam was her usual self. It seemed as though she had forgotten all about the contest. But a few other people hadn't.

As she and Carly went to their lockers, Freddie showed up with a box of chocolates and flowers. "Aw, Freddie!" Carly said, "That's so sweet!" But to her great surprise Freddie said, "Uh, they're not for you, Carly." Then he handed the gifts over to Sam.

"What's this for, Benson?" she asked.

"Just a few little presents." He pulled a rose out of his pocket. "Wanna go out with me?" he asked. Sam took the rose from him and forced it into his mouth. Then she stormed away.

"I thought you hated Sam!" Carly yelled at him, dumbfounded.

"I do." he replied thickly, for the rose was still in his mouth. He yanked it out and continued.

"You see, I can't stand being rejected, especially by Sam. If I can make her like me my ego is healed, I can break up with her, and go back to liking you in peace."

"You're crazy!" Carly shouted. She walked to Sam, who was standing at the other end of the hall.

"My raspberry soccer ball!" a voice behind them called.

"_Reuben_." Sam said gravely. Gibby was accompanying him as they approached the two.

"I'm gonna smack the teddy bear for you." Reuben said to Sam.

"He's going to win you over with comedy." Gibby translated as he noticed the girls' confused faces.

"What's the difference between an orange?" Reuben asked.

"Uh…" Sam said.

"A bicycle! 'Cause a vest has no sleeves!" He laughed vigorously, the only one doing so.

"Look, Sam" Gibby said, pushing Reuben aside, "I can't give you gifts or make you laugh, but I _can _give you something priceless. Something all-Gibby. I'm going to do an interpretive dance of my love for you." He then pulled his polo over his head. "_With my shirt off_!" He then started dancing in a ballerina-like fashion.

"Not again." Sam muttered. It was a revolting sight to see Gibby's flab jump up and down as he moved. Sam walked forward and pushed him into a trash can. Then she left for her next class. Carly ran over to her fat friend.

"Gibby, are you okay?" she asked.

"Think she liked it?" Gibby asked, smiling.


	5. The Show Must Go On!

Sam burst into Carly's apartment the minute Carly arrived home from school.

"What's the matter?" Carly asked.

"We…are…doing…the boyfriend contest." Sam panted. Carly was surprised at first, but then she turned infinitely happier.

"Really?! That's great!" she said, "Wait, why?"

"'Cause if I get one boy off my back, it's better than having three on." she said, regaining her breath.

"Well, okay!" Carly was just happy she'd get Sam away from her on dates. They rushed up to the studio and began setting up for the next show.

The following day all five were at the Shay house. Freddie was using the V-cam so he could be in the spotlight along with everyone else. Sam and Carly kept him, Reuben, and Gibby out of view for the first part.

"Yo, homie G's!" Carly said, "It's Carly!"

"S'up, my bruthas?" Sam said, "It's Sam!"

"Today Sam has decided she's doing the contest after all!" Carly announced, and Sam clicked the _Applause _button on her sound effects remote. She then sat in a chair. Carly blindfolded her but did not chain her again.

"Okay, we've switched our bachelors around so Sam won't know." Carly said, beckoning the boys forward, "What up, Bachelor 1?"

"Just kickin'!" Gibby said in a deep voice.

"And how're you, Bachelor 2?"

"How's the ring-a-ling-do?" Reuben said in a deep voice too.

"You, Bachelor 3?"

"Yo, Car-lay!" Freddie said in a chipmunk voice.

"Okay," Carly said, turning to the camera, "Sam will ask the boys a series of questions, and then will pick her new boyfriend!" Sam sat up straight in her chair, cleared her throat and asked, "Bachelor 1, if you were a meat, what kind would you be?"

"A sausage!" Gibby exclaimed proudly.

"My man!" Sam said, "Bachelor 2...Aw, never mind." She waved her hand as if swatting away a fly and said, "Bachelor 3, if I poured hot soup over your head, what would you do?"

"Uh, I'd scream 'What was that for?!' and then you'd probably beat me up!" he said.

"Very true." Sam said, "I'm ready to make my choice!" The others looked at her, baffled.

"Um, now?" Carly asked.

"Yeah. I pick 3." Sam said. Freddie muttered an "Oh yeah!" and ran up next to Sam, who had taken off her blindfold.

"Let's beat the rat chizzy." Reuben said.

"Yeah." Gibby said disappointedly and they left. Carly clapped awkwardly.

"Well…congrats!" she said, "Guess that's all-"

"Wait! I gotta do one more thing." Sam said, "Freddie, it's over."

"_What?! _No, I'm breaking up with you! At least give me that!" She ignored him and flicked the camera off.


	6. New Ending

**This story was supposed to end in 5 chapters but I reread it and thought the ending wasn't all that great and I figured "Hey, I'm a Seddie fan. And I want to redo this ending. Hmmm..." You can guess what the new ending is like (heehee)**

"Why'd you do that?" Freddie asked Sam sulkily as the troop of teens entered the Shay kitchen. Carly retrieved three Wahoo Punch pouches from the fridge and handed them to her friends. So her plan didn't work out. Sam just picked Freddie to get the contest over with, and then broke up with him. Oh, well. Guess she'd just have to suck it up.

"Ah, is wittle Fweddie upset?" Sam asked, imitating a baby voice as she sipped her punch. Freddie glared at her.

"No!" he yelled, "But why'd you turn my camera off?"

"'Cause I was done." Sam answered simply, walking over to the fridge, "Got any meat?" She asked Carly this and Carly nodded. Sam rooted through the refrigerator until she found a succulent ham resting on the top shelf. She yanked it out and set it on the counter with a _thump! _"Ah yes. Come to Mama!" She tore a piece off and stuffed it happily into her mouth.

"Why'd you pick me?" Freddie asked. Obviously he was not about to let the previous event go. Sam stacked ham slices into her hand and went to sit on the couch, resting her feet on the coffee table.

"Jeez, Fredward, what's your problem?" she asked, mouth full of ham, "It's over and done with!"

"Why me?" he asked, "You could've picked Gibby or Reuben…" His voice trailed off as Sam arched an eyebrow at him.

"Seriously?" she asked.

"Okay, okay, fine." he said, "Still-"

"Oh, Freddie, will you drop it?" Carly asked. She was beginning to get annoyed with his constant questions.

"I just want to know!" he yelled. Sam rolled her eyes, stood, and walked over to him. He flinched, in fear she was about to cause him bodily harm, but she didn't.

"Why does it matter if I picked you or not?!" she shouted, splattering ham juice on his face. He grimaced and wiped it off with his palm. Sam didn't apologize; she merely grabbed another slice of ham and took a bite out of it.

"Because…" he said, "Because if I was your boyfriend I could do this without getting slapped!" He then leaned in and kissed her on the lips. Her eyes widened, but she did not move. Carly felt her mouth drop open. Freddie slowly moved his face from Sam, and he immediately got slapped by a piece of ham. It stung, and he clutched his cheek.

"What the heck, Freddork?!" she shouted, dropping her ham, "Now I have to rinse my mouth out with detergent!" Freddie felt hurt by this comment, though he expected it.

"I'm sorry…" he mumbled.

"You should be!" she yelled. He averted her eyes and walked toward the door. Carly was about to stop him, but Sam did it instead.

"Hey, Freddie…" she said, and he turned around, surprised by her use of his real name, "Sorry. It's okay." He didn't say anything or move at first. Then he turned from the door and walked back to the two girls.

"Thanks…" he said.

"Besides, you don't kiss right." she said. Carly and Freddie stared at her in bewilderment.

"Say wha?" Carly said.

"Yeah." Sam said, "You're supposed to kiss like this…" She wrapped her arms around his neck and placed her lips lightly upon his. Confused, but happy, he put his arms on her waist and pulled her nearer.

"Sorry for storming out like that." came the voice of Gibby as he opened the door, "We just-" He stopped as he eyed Sam and Freddie. He and Reuben stared at them, then at Carly. She just shrugged.

"Whoa," Reuben said, "Never expected _that_." You could tell Reuben was surprised, for he was speaking English.

"We should-" Gibby started.

"Go, yes." Carly finished, "Going would be good." She grabbed her coat and started to put it on.

"Wanna go to the Cheesecake Factory?" Gibby asked.

"I thought you got banned from there?" Carly said.

"Oh yeah…" Gibby said. Carly rolled her eyes and the three left. Freddie pulled away from Sam to look at the door.

"You hear something?" he asked her.

"No." Sam said quickly, and pulled him back to her.


End file.
